Sunday, January 23, 2011

5 Celebs I'd Like To Smack In The Mouth

This is the meme blogging was invented for. This is the meme that needs no invitation to participate. Since my first encounter with this meme on Friday over at Very Bored In Catalunya, I have since seen it spread like virtual smallpox through the blogging community. I knew it would only be a matter of time before I'd get infected and would need to scratch myself free of it online.

I was tempted to tone down the sentiments of the title. 5 Celebrities I'd Like To Punch / Hit / Twat sounded... well. A bit too violent. A bit too close to the tick boxes on the Government's anti terrorism laws. But 5 Celebrities I Don't Like Very Much sounded a bit weak. A bit wishy-washy. And at the end of the day a downright lie. 'Cos the celebrities I've named below do actually make me want to hit them. Repeatedly. And with an assortment of tools ranging from a tee iron to a Moulinex hand blender.

Sadly, coming to this party late some of the best celebs have already been named. So if you're wondering why Ricky Gervais isn't on my list it's because he's doing the rounds elsewhere. But just for the record: yes The Office was genius. So was Extras. But Ricky, your ego has bloated to the point where you are now just a cheap 'n' nasty, ungrateful, puerile little starfucker. You're an embarrassment.

Right. On with my official top 5 celebrities that make me gnash my teeth into rock salt.

Number 1) Eamonn Holmes.

Eamonn HolmesI have been known to turn the telly off / over or just walk out of the room when this man appears on it. Eamonn is such a big cock that if someone one day was to bump him off the police would refer to it as spermicide. He oils himself over every show that he presents like a BP slick. His well of sparmy, self righteous, opinionated outpourings is totally uncappable. What annoys me most is the careful way he modulates his brogue so that he always appears right-on and "aren't you with me, boys and girls at home?" even when he is mouthing the most trite, absurd, chauvenist claptrap ever to infect UK daytime telly. How his wife doesn't stove his Frankenstein head in with a boom mic is beyond me. That woman needs a medal. Or a gun. Or a padded cell. Possibly all three.

Number 2) Glllian McKeith.

Gillian McKeithI have always maintained that this woman is a nasty piece of work. Recently she made a complete fool out of herself by appearing on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here and screaming at absolutely everything. Comedy central. But she then appeared on daytime TV to try and defend her appalling performance. I have phobias, she wailed, phobias about insects, dirty water, mud, fish, oxygen, plimsoles, Australian accents, clean hair, body fat and I just didn't know anything at all about the show before I agreed to go on it because I live in an ivory tower made out of pure Actimel, please pity me, for I was brave... Bollocks. This woman has humiliated countless men and women on her so-called "health shows" before Channel 4 pulled the plug on them (round about the same time it was revealed that her so-called medical qualifications had been printed in the Church of Elvis Presley in Las Vegas). She forced morbidly obese people to stand in baths full of lard, forced them to confront a week's worth of food all in one go just to shame them into adopting her celery and nettle smoothies. These poor people who genuinely needed counselling before Gillian got her skeletal hands on them were reduced to sobbing wrecks. Sorry Gillian, but when encouraging people to adopt a healthier lifestyle I fail to see how destroying their self esteem can be of any benefit. And here is the argument to end all arguments. Gillian McKeith and Nigella Lawson are of a similar age. Who looks the healthiest to you? Enough said.

Number 3) Richard Madeley.

Richard MadeleyThe Tim Nice But Dim of daytime telly. Though I suspect the Nice part is possibly not true. Richard is that creature commonly known as the "embarrassing dad". He tries to maintain his cool. He tries to maintain his street cred. He never acts his age. And like Eamonn above he always presents his verbal hiccups as being the height of reasonability, innit, and totally metrosexual new man-ish and I is in touch with me feminine side, innit, cos Judy won't let me anywhere near hers now the HRT is beginning to fail. Judy annoys me too but less so; precisely because she has a cross to bear in the shape of Richard. I have seen her cast plainly murderous glances his way on live telly. Looks that say, "for God's sake Richard, stop being a complete and utter dick and just shut the eff up before I knife you in the gizzard with a whale bone from my corset." But she never does. She holds back. And thus we all suffer. All of us. And that is damned annoying.

Number 4) Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall.

Hugh Fearnley-WhittingstallA man whom the devil surely created out of an old welly, a smidgen of old bathroom tile grout and the face of a monkfish. Hugh extols the virtues of the 'back to nature' lifestyle. The good life. Grow your own. The fact that Hugh has undoubtedly grown his own and is now looking for people to insert them into is something that gives me nightmares. Farmers and smallholders should be grubby. I know this. But the grubbiness that Hugh exudes is unhealthy. There is something deeply unsavoury about this man. His piggy little eyes blaze with a furious belief in his own superiority. I don't buy all that "I'm chummy with the locals" on his damned River Cottage shows. I bet he tries to Lord it over all of them with his smarmy city ways and his rare breed sheep. My only hope is that the locals are building a big Wicker Man in which Hugh and his sheep can be ritually sacrificed purely for my televisual entertainment. That is a show I'd gladly watch.

Number 5) Ross Noble.

Ross NobleYeah. A bit left field this one. Normally I'm OK with comedians. Even if I don't find them particularly funny they don't tend to annoy me to the point of explosive hemorrhoids. But Ross does. Because he won't shut up. I've seen him on TV countless times - Jonathan Ross, QI, Have I Got News For You - and he does the same thing every time. I'll jus kip talkin' like til I come oot with summat funny and that meks yus all laff even if that means I kip talkin' absoloot bollux fer aboot half a frigging hour. On and on and on. I mean Johnny Vegas is bad enough but Ross Noble can run a marathon of mediocrity with his tongue just to reach a lame, exhausted punchline at the finish point. That isn't humour. That isn't wit. Wit is to the point and sharp. A quick jab to the ribs and out again. Not month after month of beating someone with a tripe casserole until they fake their laughter just to get you to shut up and go away. Ross, you'd be funny if it wasn't for your personality and the way you tell your jokes. The only cure is to let someone else do it for you. Honest.

OK guys, now it's over to you. I won't name names to pass this meme onto. Merely feel free to help yourselves and have a ball.

I know I have.

Share

73 comments:

Löst Jimmy said...

Hehe I do like a good Two Minutes of Hate session.

I tend to agree with selection with the exception of Hugh. I mean I wouldn't invite him to my house as I would suspect he would just take over but I honestly believe he is a decent sort.

I'd have to replace him with the likes of Tim Lovejoy or Ian Wright or any politician really

Heather said...

Wholeheartedly agree, a complete load of utter twats. And the remark about Nigela and Gillian - spot on!

I keep thinking you ought to have a TV column somewhere - you'd be brilliant.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I've never heard of these people, but that McKeith woman looks like a haughty mare. I think she needs a big-boned stallion to relieve her pent-up tensions.

Steve said...

Löst Jimmy: if it was politicians instead of celebrities I honestly don't think I could limit myself to 50 let alone 5...

Heather: flattery will get you everywhere (although it doesn't seem to work on newspaper editors)...

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: it would be like trying to penetrate a hockey stick wrapped in cobwebs.

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

NO, no no... how can you not love Ross Noble!? Seen him twice live and he's brilliant. But I'm a Geordie so I'm biased.

Steve said...

Trish: I normally like Geordies, honest. I even liked Crocodile Shoes and everything. It's just Ross's delivery. It take too long and the parcel at the end of it is shite.

Löst Jimmy said...

Indeed most UK politicans think they are celebrities these days, if they are not strictly dancing they are shagging cheeky girls ;-)

Steve said...

Löst Jimmy: I believe Frankie Boyle refers to Lembit Öpik as "a banana with Downs Syndrome". Spot on!

Barry Coidan said...

There are many questions the answers to which many of the greatest minds have sought and failed to find. Is the universe infinite? what is mind? how can you and I be made up of probability functions?

Yet the greatest unsolved question is how any TV executive could ever have thought that Eamonn Holmes was an attractive TV personality.

One consolation, as his pomposity grows so does his waistline. He's bound to explode into a zillion pieces very,very soon.

Maybe that's why people watch him: not wanting to miss this treat.

Steve said...

Barry: whilst welcoming the thought of Eamonn's imminent demise by rapid dispersal of his body parts I do not look forward to waking up one morning to finding the entire UK buried under a warm blanket of Eamonn's newly eviscerated guts.

Nana Go-Go said...

Oh I`m SO glad you picked Tricky Dicky! He was SOOO annoying on Radio 2 in the mornings when he was covering for Chris Evans that I had to switch him off!Then he appeared on The One Show (another pile o`pants but it`s when I have my tea so a little chill out time if there`s nuffin` culcheral on Beeb 2!)lookin` like a throwback from a 70`s Led Zeppelin concert (I LOVE Led Zeppelin), all cool and pseudo-suave!Yes, he definitely deserves a smack in the kisser! (ps lovin` the sneak-peek..more later).

Nickie @ Typecast said...

LOL Steve. Good work, my friend. I too am late to the party here (first saw it at VBin's place) and all the good ones are being snapped up but I'm sure I can dig a few out for a post of my own later today.

Steve said...

Nana Go-Go: I've been known to suffer The One Show while I have my tea and I sat the Madeley episode myself. Nearly made me throw up my chicken pie I can tell you.

Glad you're enjoying the nascent novel...!

Steve said...

Nickie: there's plenty out there, lurking among the bushes if you know where to look! Wishing you good shooting - looking forward to viewing your trophies later!

cartside said...

mostly agree, with exception of good ole Hugh. I see your point, but somehow, I still like the man.
And defend him on a weekly basis to hubby who thinks he's a posh twat.

Steve said...

Cartside: I have to say I agree with his current "fish fight" stance... but did spend the whole show wishing he'd get eaten by a vengeful cod.

Mark said...

There's a great quote in Bad Science about Gillian McKeith 'Dr Gillian McKieth - or to use her full medical tile, Gillian McKeith'

Good list mind - hard to better

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

Good choices—particularly the first 3. The picture of Richard is absolute genius.

Steve said...

Mark: that made me laugh out loud. Now that is wit. Ross Noble please take note.

Very Bored in Catalunya: wish I could take credit for it but it's all down to Dr Google.

Wang Han Yang said...

Your blog is great
If you like, come back and visit mine: http://b2322858.blogspot.com/

Thank you!!Wang Han Pin(王翰彬)
From Taichung,Taiwan(台灣)

Steve said...

Wang: thank you for that indepth synopsis. I shall consider kind your offer.

Rol said...

Wow. In my cache of half-written blogposts, I have one called "Top Ten Pop Stars Who Need A Smack In The Mouth", but I couldn't ever get past Bono.

That said, I shall endeavour to give this one a shot... if only because I haven't savaged Michael McIntyre for at least a week.

Steve said...

Rol: Bono's ego is so big he could be every entry in a top 10 all by himself. But of course; he'd love that. Go for it, Rol. When I came across this meme the one name that went through my head when thinking about possible participants was yours. I knew you wouldn't let me down.

Val said...

I'd add Jonathan Woss, and Simon Cowell and, for so-called political comedy, Anne Widdicombe.
:(
:((
(Scuse me while I wash my mouth out with Daz and spit a few times).

I detest Gillian McKeith. When I first watched her I thought, "do you really think people want to look like you?" Dried up old husk.

Steve said...

Val: I quite like Wossy if the truth be known. He's like a big kid. Rather like me in fact. But Cowell and Widdecombe - yes, yes and yes again!

the fly in the web said...

I don't know three of them..have vague idea that the woman mentioned had a scatological obsession but with you all the way on the Fearfully Whippingall...just save the sheep from the flames.

Steve said...

The fly in the web: save the sheep from the flames?! But I have some nice rosemary all lined up... ah well. I suppose Hugh is muttony enough for anybody.

Wylye Girl said...

Great choice Steve. I'm with you on all of them and all could have made my own list but bizarrely Bono was still up for grabs so I had to include him. I can still remember Richard 'The Dick' Madeley doing that cringe-making Ali G take off while Judy looked like she wanted to chop his testicles off with a blunt sabre.

Steve said...

Wylye Girl: if only she had. On live TV. "Is it cos I is black?" No, Richard, it's because you're an embarrassing prick.

Crystal Jigsaw said...

I read Very Bored's post yesterday and couldn't stop laughing, agreed with all her celebs, too. I don't know all yours, I have to admit, but I do love your style of writing, is always wonderfully entertaining and I so enjoy reading your posts.

Richard Madeley, definitely a knob.

Gillian McKeith is just, errr, bonkers beyond belief. I don't actually think she resides on this planet. Whether she ever did I don't know that either. But she's definitely lost the plot.

CJ xx

Steve said...

CJ: to be honest the others are just idiots but Gillian McKeith i genuinely think is nasty and should not be allowed near anyone with a pulse. She's much happier fingering poo anyway.

Nota Bene said...

Now in my book, every celeb deserves a smack...just to remind them they're human...

Steve said...

Nota Bene: I'll do it.

Owen said...

OMG, I'm so out of touch with English telly, I know of none of them. But I'll take your excruciating descriptions of them as gospel, they must be awful...

From the other side of the ocean, you could add Sarah Palin to the list. She is an angry pus filled boil bursting out putrid juice on the ass end of American politics. With her own reality TV show to boot, if I understand correctly. She needs to get the boot... an embarrassment to all Americans. An embarrassment to the human race. She needs to go back to where she said she could see Russia from, and stay there...

Steve said...

Owen: if you've never heard of any of these people then you are surely living in the Promised Land! As for Sarah Palin, I hope to see her brain donated to medical science. Probably for Comic Relief.

Sam said...

Brilliant list.

It all started over at http://www.metalmummy.co.uk as a part of http://katetakes5.blogspot.com weekly "Listography" - there's loads more lists out there you could take a read of and agree/disagree with! :)

lunarossa said...

Thanks for starting my ugly Monday with a laugh!!!! On my part, instead of 5 celebrities, David Cameron 5 times and more....Ciao bello! A.

Keith said...

I have poked Rick Mayall in the eye. Does that count ?

Steve said...

Sam: always good to know where these things start 'cos where they end nobody knows!

Lunarossa: good choice (5 times over)!

Keith: only if you tell me what with...!

joebloggs said...

When I can get it down to only five I will be all over this one. But just for starters Jo Whiley...aaaaarrrghhh! just the voice and the way she's down with the new bands an' stuff, I would rather impregnate Mckieth than listen to 10 minutes of that vapid dismal bilge!! And that fella on the Wright Stuff with his stupid grin and over glarry eyes and stupid hair and grating laugh and, and.....now look what you've done, you've only gone and got me started, hurumph!

Steve said...

JoeBloggs: I must admit to quite liking Jo Whiley; she's a yummy mummy and a half but plainly not to everyone's taste. Matthew Wright, however, would certainly have made it onto my list if I had compiled a top 6 rather than a top 5. When he laughs I am convinced that his genes have been spliced with those of a donkey.

Modern Military Mother said...

That was funny! Again as with LCM I can simply applaud your research and attention to detail. I have never heard of Ross Knobhead and now I am very pleased.

Steve said...

MMM: see, if he called himself Ross Knobhead then I'd actually laugh everytime I saw him and that would no doubt please us both.

Being Me said...

I want to wrap all your comments (and replies to the comments) up and roll around in them. They are SO funny! I know, it's stating the obvious. But really... they're as entertaining as your posts themselves.

I have no idea who/what/where you're talking about with all these people - I do remember seeing that haggard woman with her head in someone's fridge and holding a *retch* container with condensation on the inside after having ordered them to perform ablutions over/in it and I quickly switched channels, never to see her again. And Ross Knobhead (nice one!) - thank God someone finally said it! I just don't "get" it, obviously, is what I've been thinking of him all these years. He just reminds me of the Kid Most Likely To Drop Out of high school who made good somehow. I think his paying audiences are his biggest joke.

Steve said...

Being Me: that's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day. Which is odd beings you used the words "retch" and "knobhead" but I guess that's just one of life's wonderful paradoxes. ;-)

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip said...

Okay this whole post really made me feel like a stupid American cuz I really didn't know who the hell you were talking about at all. But on the other hand, it was completely enjoyable to read regardless. PS "annyoed to the point of explosive hemmoroids" is going to be my new favorite phrase for sure. I'm with Heather. You need to be writing a TV column. You're hilarious.

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip said...

PS I'd really like to do this meme also, but does it really have to be just celebrities? Cuz I have some real life people I'd like to smack in the mouth as well... Just sayin.

Steve said...

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip: I'd be more than happy to read about any 5 people that you'd like to smack in the mouth. Especially if you include pictures. ;-)

The Sagittarian said...

I don't know these people...however I guess I can attempt the meme and get my own back with a vague list of nobodies?? :-)

misssy m said...

I read through both yours and Catalunya's and normally I am full of vitriol for folk. But for some reason I am struggling to think of mine. I am going to phone my doctor because this must finally mean that the drugs DO work!!!

Must think some more- I'm sure the hatred simply hasn't disappeared altogether. i mean, not while the Royal Family still lives...

Steve said...

Amanda: if they're well known or if they're nobodies makes no odds to me. If they deserve a good smiting it's up to us bloggers to give 'em one!

Misssy M: don't lose your hate! It gives you focus! Or so my Sith master tells me anyway.

Fran said...

I don't need to name anyone. Just the word 'celebrity' is enough to get me going. (And it's not jealousy. I think.)

Anonymous said...

Ok, so the first three people - who are they??!!

The last two I know. Hugh, oh c'mon he's alright.

Ross Noble - well he spends half his time in Australia and he is annoying. Half the time I have no idea what he's saying anyway!! He is all over the place - radio, tv, comedy festivals, guest spots. AARRRRGGHHHH...

bigwords

Steve said...

Fran: jealousy is justification for smacking anybody. Trust me.

Bigwords: Ross spends most of his time in Austalia. Hmm. I think I like him a bit better now.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

Wot? No Graham Norton and Jonathan Ross?

I'd happily take out a contract on them both and hopefully save the BBC in the process (since at least half our licence fee is split between the two of them!)

Steve said...

Laura: I don't mind either of them I must admit - in small doses it has to be said - but out of the two I'd take out Norton first. That laugh is a crime against humanity.

missbehaving said...

I think you made all those people up, I've never heard of them and I'm tuned in , tapped in, turned on to all celeb related news at all times. ;)

Steve said...

Missbehaving: it might be that your superlative celeb-centric mind has merely tuned itself out from these grotesque creatures thus saving your TV viewing pleasure from ever being sullied by having to acknowledge their existence.

muhammadrazzaq said...

The biggest story of the week is the recent creation of a brand new professional poker league with a name that is TBD. One thing is for sure... former WSOP Commish Jeffrey Pollack spearheaded the new business venture with a horse racing junta. Former UB pitchwoman (now we know part of the reason she bailed) Annie Duke is the acting commissioner of the new pro league that will offer "juice free" tournaments. All of the finer details have yet to be finalized, but you can check out Dan Michalski's take on the matter along with reading the press release. (Pokerati)

Steve said...

muhammadrazzaq: do you want a smack in the mouth as well?

brokenbiro said...

I'm normally a very placid, accepting sort of person, and I can bear all of the people you mention (except McKeith, obviously). But the only 'celeb' I really to punch repeatedly in the face is Louis Spence. I mean who is he, why does anyone like him and WTF?

Steve said...

brokenbiro: given the way he talks I'd suggest somebody had already beaten you to it and lamped him one good and proper!

Phil said...

Late in the day as it is now with this post, I couldn’t resist coming back and sticking my penneth worth of fantasy vitriol in here. It’ll be helpful therapy for me too as our insurers won’t cover my TV screen any longer:

Agree with Ross Noble, Don’t know McKeith, So so with the others, but love your deliberations Steve. Laughed out loud.

For what it’s worth - here’s the bunch I’d like to belt, first chance I got:

‘James Corden’ – He was nearly all five of my selections.
‘Gok Wan’ – I can think of 101 places to insert chop sticks in his anatomy.
‘George Bush Jnr’ – for being George Bush Jnr.
‘George Bush Snr’ – for not pulling out in time while George Bush Jnr was being conceived.

and last but not least…

‘Wynne Evans’ the singer in the ‘Go Compare’ adverts for causing me so many injuries diving across the room for the remote control. Yeagh…I’d pay good money to do him for at least a few days.

If you haven’t already come across this bit of news about Mr Evans, take a look at this link:

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/tv/3363545/Go-Compare-singer-Wynne-Evans-got-shirty-when-someone-threw-up-on-him-on-a-flight.html

The guy on the airplane that ‘Technicolor Yawned’ all over him. That was me!

Steve said...

Phil: you are plainly beyond comparison and are my new hero. Do hope your well timed spew was nice and chunky and if you managed to get some into Wynne Evans’ operatic mouth more the better. I also agree with you about James Corden. Occasionally he is funny but mostly his "cheeky chappy ain't I just nice" persona sticks in my craw. And he once dated Sheridan Smith. What an utter bastard!

Phil said...

Oh dear!!!!…‘Sheridan Smith!’…Nooo!!!....what a complete and utter shite-hawk Cordon is.

Especially as I’ve just seen how blondy she is on Wikpedia. (Didn’t know her Steve). (Sorry). I’m a brunette and redhead guy. Keeley, Scarlett & Kim Basinger excepted.

I read somewhere that he had also shared a cave with Sally Hawkins, one of my favourite English actresses. Seems like they must both have opened his box and found nothing useful inside of either size or value.

And I couldn’t help a post script re: ‘Gok Wan’. You know his real surname used to be a tad longer don’t you. But was thought to be impeding his career.

It was only shortened by one incy wincy little letter. And to help narrow the field – it wasn’t… ‘q’.

Just reverse back down the alphabet by a handful of consonants. There ya go.

Steve said...

Phil: I'm a brunette guy by and large myself but the occasional blonde does tug on the ol', er, heart strings. Of course, I'm also a breast guy hence there is an obvious attraction to Sheridan Smith. As for the Gokster. Wang? Wane? Wand? Am I missing the obvious?

Phil said...

Ha ha ha ha ha and....'yes' Steve, you are.

Steve said...

Phil: Wain? OK. I give up!

Phil said...

'K'in ell. o'K' then. That's you Kkkkk..Kippered then isn't it. Kkk..Kate gok it straight away. Thmerr!

Steve said...

Phil: Gok was a member of the KKK? Bloody hell. He must have looked like a big white javelin.

Phil said...

Ha Ha Ha! Can just picture him in the KKK suit with those designer specs on the outside. Even more I can imagine the Kkk..Klansmen dragging him off behind the barn to KKKKK...Rip him a new arsehole.

Steve said...

Phil: that's an episode I'd love to see - Gok Gets Defrocked.

Love the idea of him wearing those glasses on the outside of his hood. And maybe adding some non-smear glitter lipstick just to define his mouth?